Post your best joke thread

[G-MONEY]

Finally someone thinking with their head.

[da.bell]

Dump the wife and move in with Sam.

[G-MONEY]

Nice bass

[chpthril]

When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite pastime -- bass fishing. I got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing.

Finally, one day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam, the shop owner, who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies.


As I said the wife doesn't care about fishing. She not only refuses to join us she always complains that I spend too much time fishing.
A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful bass that you've ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught his twin brother. So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice bass that we caught and showed the picture to the wife hoping that maybe she'd get interested.

Instead she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore and she wants me to sell the boat. I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself.

What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?
Thanks,
An Avid Fisherman

PS: Enclosed is the picture of Sam with the two bass we caught :
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[chpthril]

Find The Peach

Can you find the peach

[wakeboarder247]

hahahahaha.. that's pretty funny g-money!

[G-MONEY]

man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.

Inside, he finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of
her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:

"Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's
probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how
he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain.....do
whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck - he was whispering in my
ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had
any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong. I love you,
too."

[Domsz06]

ha ha ha!

[G-MONEY]

HA HA HA

[da.bell]

Password

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer and at the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to enter a password.

Something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.

So, when the computer ask him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was keying in...P...E...N...I...S...

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: ***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

[G-MONEY]

Chalkboard Culprit

One day a teacher went into her class room and saw the word, “pen!$” written in small letters on the chalkboard. She erased it and went on with the day's lesson. The next day, she came in and saw the same word on the chalkbaord, but a little bit bigger. She erased it and went on with her lesson.
Each of the next several days, the teacher would come in to find “*****” on the board, a little larger each time. She went in one morning, expecting to dinf it again, but instead the chalkboard read: “The more you rub it, the bigger it gets.”

[G-MONEY]

Fifty-Dollar Bet

This guy who works at a pickle factory comes home and hands his wife 50 dollars. She asked him what it was from and he told her that he won it in a bet -- the guys at the factory bet him 50 dollars that he wouldn't stick his **** in the pickle slicer.
The wife was surprised and said she wanted to make sure he was still intact. He pulled down his pants and, indeed, it was all there, unharmed.
“But what about the pickle slicer,” asked the wife, perplexed. “Oh, she liked it too,” answered the husband.

[G-MONEY]

Sunday School

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted

[G-MONEY]

Three Strikes You're Out

A farmer just got married and was going home on his wagon pulled by a team of horses. When one of the hoses stumbled, he said, "That's once."
Then it stumbled again. He said, "That's twice."

Then later it stumbled a third time. This time, he didn't say anything, just pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse dead.

His wife cried out and started to yell at him. The farmer turned to her and said, "That's once."

[G-MONEY]

Mini Meanie

The golf course was haunted by a malicious, evil leprechaun who exploited the ambitions of the poorer players. He popped up beside one unfortunate man who was participating in a club competition.
"Look," he said, "if you agree never to court a woman, flirt with a girl or marry, I'll help you win."

"Done," shouted the young golfer. The leprechaun was very pleased with conniving ways, and chuckled merrily.

When the golfer was in the clubhouse being praised by the other members, the leprechaun popped up on the shelf of the locker. "Hey," said the little elf, "I have to have your name for my records. What is it?"

"Father Murphy," grinned the golfer as he adjusted his Roman collar.