Post your best joke thread

[G-MONEY]

A women was shopping at the local supermarket where she selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to checkout, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated,"You must be single."
She was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status .Curiosity getting the better of her, She said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

[da.bell]

I was starting to think that you were telling us a joke about Texas and all the rain that they have had... he he he

That was a good one. Apparently Noah lives in California.

[G-MONEY]

Texas Rancher was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 40 something lady, dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?" She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?" He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?" The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye. Then the lady unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and Asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?" He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying. The lady asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"

Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn and now, I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches."

[G-MONEY]

Lord came unto Noah


In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United
States , and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated,
and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good
humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark
before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard -
but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but! things have changed. I needed a
building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a
sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood
zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height
limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the
future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear
the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be
coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local
trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the
environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.

They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They
argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to
put so many animals in a confined space.



Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an
environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission
on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most
of the people who want to work.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire
only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying
to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish
this Ark. "

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow
stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're
not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it

[dogbert]

Things Got Ya Down?

Well Then, Consider These

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM, all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outsidethe ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life-support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.


Still Having a Bad Day????

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day????

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his iPod.

Are Ya O. K. Now? - No!

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What?? STILL having a Bad Day????

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now, Feeling Better?

[chpthril]

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old great and
I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant
with my child. So what do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then
began. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and
never misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he
was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking
cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very
large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd
left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out
of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his
favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.
Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over
dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly".

Tall, I thought you guys were bound by Dr/Patient confidentiality


Thats funny as $h!t. I like the old guys spirit though

[G-MONEY]

HA HA HA
FUNNY S!#T



"pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver"

ha ha ha

i'm still laughing

[talltigeguy]

The old man and the young wife

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old great and
I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant
with my child. So what do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then
began. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and
never misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he
was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking
cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very
large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd
left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out
of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his
favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.
Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over
dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly".

[da.bell]

So does she have a noodle down there?

Why, are you interested in noodles now????

[Domsz06]

A young woman was pulled over in Austin, Texas for speeding.

As the Texas State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said,"I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Texas State Trooper's Ball."

He replied, "Texas State Troopers don't have Balls."

There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said.

He then closed his book, got back in the patrol car and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car.

ha ha ha!!

[dogbert]

A young woman was pulled over in Austin, Texas for speeding.

As the Texas State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said,"I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Texas State Trooper's Ball."

He replied, "Texas State Troopers don't have Balls."

There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said.

He then closed his book, got back in the patrol car and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car.

[CP3]

Not only did I catch the most beautiful bass that you've ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught HIS twin brother.
.

So does she have a noodle down there?

[CP3]

Can you find the peach

You are a dirty dirty man thats why I like you

[G-MONEY]

he he he
That's what I wanted to hear

[da.bell]

Yup and it's not the one on my shoulders.