Post your best joke thread

[G-MONEY]

so what are you????

[chpthril]

What's Your SOUTHERN Birth Sign?
Some of us (especially Southerners) are pretty skeptical of horoscopes,
and it has become obvious that what we need are "Southern" symbols:

OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20)
Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside.
Okra's have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his
life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.

CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19)
Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A chitlin, however, can make
something of himself if he's motivated and has lots of seasoning. In
dealing with Chitlins, be careful. They can erupt like Mt. Vesuvius.
Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.

BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - Mar 20)
you have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of
things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything.

Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner

hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE (Mar 21 - Apr 20)
You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch
to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are
the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely
interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to
think about aerobics. Or ... maybe not...

POSSUM (Apr 21 -May 21)
When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency
to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes
you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy
is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One
day, however, it won't work and you may find your problems actually
running you over.

CRAWFISH (May 22- June 21)
Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging
around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains,
the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend to
be not particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good
heads.

COLLARDS (June 22 -July 23)
Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting
pot" of life and share their essence with the essence of those round
them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball
managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay
away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH (July 24 -Aug 23)
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart; although one's
whiskers may cause problems for loved ones You catfish are never easy people
to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life.
Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23)
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle
together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though,
so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go?
Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you
can, go somewhere where they have all these things that serve you well.


BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23)
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those
who know you best -- your friends and loved ones may find that your
personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect
you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should
go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way,
yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will
always pullover and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 23)
Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with
everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the
vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit
next to anybody. However, you too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon
Pies.

ARMADILLO (Nov 24 - Dec 21)
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually
quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots,
fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with
today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about
today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns.
You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another
somewhat kinky, mating possibility.

[Bibbs]

Heard this on xm
Elizabet Taylor went to the Dr and said I am getting married to a 18 year old,can you make me like a 18 year old down below again.The Dr said sure.Elizabeth said to the Dr you have to promise you cant tell anyone,the Dr agreed.After she woke up the Dr said everything went great but Elizabeth was mad as there were 3 bouqeuts of flowers at her bed.The Dr said relax the first one is from me,the second one is from the anesthesist and he is gay and he wont tell anyone,the third one is from the boy up on the burn unit who wants to thank you for his new set of ears.

[G-MONEY]

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'



The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down?'

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'

[G-MONEY]

A Blonde called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried.





The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.'




A few minutes later, the officer radios in. 'Disregard.' He says. 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'

[G-MONEY]

CHINESE PROVERBS

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch *** should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
__________________

[G-MONEY]

Probably don't want to bring that up with your wife in another 5 or 6 months.

ha ha ha I wish I could get her to iron before she was pregnant

[dogbert]

good one ..........lol

Probably don't want to bring that up with your wife in another 5 or 6 months.

[G-MONEY]

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning. One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, "I'm too young to die," she cried. Then she yelled, "If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man from Texas stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.


She gasped..


Then, he spoke..."Iron this -- and then get me a beer."

good one ..........lol

[dogbert]

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning. One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, "I'm too young to die," she cried. Then she yelled, "If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man from Texas stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.


She gasped..


Then, he spoke..."Iron this -- and then get me a beer."

[G-MONEY]

Government Job

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"
"Yes," he says. "I was in Viet Nam for three years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?
The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., you can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00A.M."
The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?"
"This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our ba!!s...no point in you coming in for that."

[G-MONEY]

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which



said:



"Two Prostitutes -- $50.00."







A policeman, seeing the sign,



stopped them and told them



they'd either have to remove the sign



or go to jail.







Just at that time, another car passed with a sign

saying:



"JESUS SAVES."







One of the girls asked the officer,

"How come you don't stop them?!"







"Well, that's a little different,"



the officer smiled .

.



"Their sign pertains to religion."







So the two ladies of the night frowned



as they took their sign down and drove off.







The following day found the same police officer



in the area when he noticed the two ladies



driving around with a large sign on their car again.







Figuring he had an easy arrest,



he began to catch up with them



when he noticed the new sign which now read:







"Two Fallen Angels



Seeking Peter -- $50.

[G-MONEY]

HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT


The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.



The answer by one student was so 'profound', that the professor shared it with his colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:



Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?



Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.



One student, however, wrote the following:



First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.



Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.



This gives two possibilities:



1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.



2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.



So which is it?



If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'





THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

[talltigeguy]

Fifty-one years ago, Herman Jones, a West Virginia mountain man, was drafted into the United States Army.

On the first day of boot camp, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon, an Army barber cut off all his hair.

On the second day of boot camp, the Army issued him a toothbrush. That afternoon, an Army dentist pulled out seven of his teeth.

On the third day the Army issued him a jock strap.

The Army is still looking for him.

[slacker661]

An irishman,an italian and a polish guy are in a bar.They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.Then the irishman says"aye,this is a nice bar,but where I come from ,back in Dublin,theres a better one.At McDougals,you buy a drink,you buy another and McDougal himself will buy you a third.The others agree that sounds like a nice place.Then the italian says "Yeah,thats a nice bar,but where I come from,theres a better one.Over in Brooklyn,theres this place,Vinnys.At Vinny's you buy a drink ,Vinny buys you a drink.You buy anudda drink and Vinny buys you anudda drink.Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.Then the Polish guys says,"you think thats great? Where I come from,there's this place called Warshowski's". At Warshowski's,they buy you your first drink,then they buy you your second drink,then they buy you your third drink,and then,they take you in the back and get you laid! Wow say the other two.Thats fantastic! Did that actually happen to you? No replies the polish guy but it happened to my sister