one more:
Ole Pete was stopped by a game warden in Arizona as he was returning to his motorhome with a bucket full of still-alive fish.
"Do you have a license to catch those fish?" the game warden asked.
"No, sir. These are my pet fish," Pete replied.
"Pet fish?" the warden asked. "Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the lake where I'm camped and let them swim around for awhile. When they hear my whistle, they jump right back into the bucket and I take them back to the motorhome."
"That's a bunch of baloney," the game warden said as he reached for his pad of citations.
Ole Pete looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "If you don't believe me, then follow me back to the lake to see how it works."
Still suspicious, but curious, the game warden agreed. And so they walked to the lake. There, Pete poured the fish into the lake, where they disappeared into the water. "Okay," said the game warden. "Call them back."
"Call who back?"
"The fish," replied the warden.
"What fish?" asked Pete.
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another one:
Ladies of the board can change the gender....
An elderly man went into a Chevy dealership and bought the hottest red 'vette convertible on the lot. He promply slipped out onto the freeway and put his foot into it. As the speedometer passed 90, he sped by a parked highway patrol officer who promptly gave chase with lights and siren. When he saw the lights in the rearview mirror, he decided to have some fun and floored it. Soon he was leaving the cop in the dust, but after several minutes came to his senses and decided he better comply and pull over. The officer pulled in behind himn and walked up to the car. Seeing it was such an old man he said...."Sir...I admire your moxie and youthful spirit here, but you were breaking some serious laws here....tell you what...I go off shift here in about ten minutes and if you can give me just ONE good reason why I shouldn't throw the book at you for running from me, I will let you go....
The old man looked up at him...hesitated a moment and said..."well sir....about 20 years ago my wife ran off with a highway patrolman....I was afraid you were bringing her back....
The officer smiled and looked back at him and said..."youre free to go...."Leave a comment:
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I wish that I could take credit for these, but I found them on wayneswords.com
Never Argue with a Woman
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'For reading a book,' she replies,
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again,
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.Leave a comment:
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Subject: Fwd: Her 4th Marriage
A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and
told the
sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth
wedding.
'Of course, madam,' replied the sales clerk, 'exactly what type and
color are
you looking for?'
The bride to be said: 'A long frilly white dress with a veil.' The
sales
clerk hesitated a bit, then said, 'Please don't take this the wrong
way, but
gowns of that nature is considered more appropriate for brides who
are being
married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if
you know what
I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?'
'Well,' replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's
directness, 'I can assure you that a white gown would be quite
appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as
innocent
as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited
about our
wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel. My second
husband and I got
into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon
that we had
that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again.'
'What about your third husband?' asked the sales clerk.
'That one was a Democrat,' said the woman, and every night for four
years,
he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was
going to be,
but nothing ever happened.Leave a comment:
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Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says "I dont feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
The husband says "WHAT??"
The wife says, "You must not be in tune with my emotional needs as a woman."
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store.
He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can�t decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. They go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. Then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings.
The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, "But you don�t even play tennis, but OK, if you like it then lets get it."
The wife is jumping up and down - shes so excited, she cannot believe what is going on.
She says "Im ready to go, lets go to the cash register." The husband says, "No - no - no, honey were not going to buy all this stuff." The wifes face goes blank, "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
Her face gets really mad and she is about to explode and the husband says "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man."
Leave a comment:
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everyone these days has a lawyer on hand ready to sue the crap out of youLeave a comment:
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SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2007
Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario: &n bsp;Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.
Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from c ore curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario : Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1957 - Ants die.
2007 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.Leave a comment:
Much easier in 1957 and less lawyers 
....
Leave a comment: