Post your best joke thread

[chpthril]

If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're genius.,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,'
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.'
--Mariah Carey

'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,'
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,'
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,'
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .

'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,'
--A congressional candidate in Texas .

'Half this game is ninety percent mental.'
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

'We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?'
--Lee Iacocca

'The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.'
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

'We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.'
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

'Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.'
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

'If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.'
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

And my 2 favorites

'I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix .'
--Dan Quayle

'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'
--Al Gore, Vice President

Feeling smarter yet?

[Carter13]

While stiching up a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Texas rancher whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Sarah Palin and her bid to be a heartbeat away from being President.

The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, Palin is a post turtle." Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was. The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."

The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know she didn't get up there by herself, she doesn't belong up there, she doesn't know what to do while she is up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb @ss put her up there to begin with.

[zany]

Sex Since 1955





-----

A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.



'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?'


'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'


The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'

'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?'


'1955, ma'am.'

'Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.


Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, 'I hope not; it's only 2130 now.'



(Gotta love military time)

[chpthril]

Reasons to like Beer (by 7 year olds)


A handful of 7 year old children were asked

"What they thought of beer". Some interesting

responses, but the last one is especially touching.



"I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the

prettier my mom gets." --Tim, 7 years old



"Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on

television when he is asleep, so beer is nice. "
--Mellanie, 7 years old



My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it

and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very

funny." --Grady, 7 years old



"'My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they

drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing."

--Toby, 7 years old



"My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants

sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.


"My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One

time he danced right into the pool."

--Lilly, 7 years old

"I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the

sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting."

--Ethan, 7 years old


"My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my

father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to

go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any

sense."

[chpthril]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says:

Can you please come over here and help me. l have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and l just can't figure out how to get it started.

Her boyfriend asks, what's it supposed to be when it's finished? The
blonde says,well according to the picture on the box, it's a rooster. Her
boyfriend decides that he should do the right thing and go over and help her with the puzzle. When he arrives, she lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread out all over the table. He studies the pieces for a second, and then he looks quietly at the box.

He states, first of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything of a rooster.

He held onto her hand and said, secondly, l advise you just to relax, have a cup of coffee, and he sighed, and then let's put all these Corn Flakes back into the box!

[LovinPowell]

Now that was funny. I'm always glad to see you posting on this site chp. Your posts always make me laugh.

[chpthril]

Subject: Cat Problems


You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One!
You don't even have to like 'em!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bi-atch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat @$$ downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car...

[talltigeguy]

When to start cussing...

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their
bedroom. 'You know what?' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's about time
we started cussing.' The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6
year old continues, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say
something with hell and you say something with ***.' The 4 year old
agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6
year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom, I
guess I'll have some Cheerios.'

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the
kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his
mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks
him in his room and shouts, 'You can stay there until I let you out!'

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old
and asks with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young
man?' I don't know, he blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat *** it won't
be Cheerios!'

[jwanck11]

ROFL!

[larryueckert]

> A little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take
> the dog for a walk around the block?' Mom replies,
> 'No, because she is in heat.'
>
> 'What's that mean?' asked the child.
>
> 'Go ask your father. I think he's in the
> garage.'
>
> The little girl goes to the garage and says,
> 'Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I
> asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to
> you.'
> Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He
> took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the
> dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said
> 'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the
> leash and only go one time round the block.'
>
> The little girl left and returned a few minutes
> later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked,
> 'Where's Belle?'
>
> ( YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!! )
>
> The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas
> about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her
> home.'

now thats funny

[talltigeguy]

> A little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take
> the dog for a walk around the block?' Mom replies,
> 'No, because she is in heat.'
>
> 'What's that mean?' asked the child.
>
> 'Go ask your father. I think he's in the
> garage.'
>
> The little girl goes to the garage and says,
> 'Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I
> asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to
> you.'
> Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He
> took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the
> dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said
> 'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the
> leash and only go one time round the block.'
>
> The little girl left and returned a few minutes
> later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked,
> 'Where's Belle?'
>
> ( YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!! )
>
> The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas
> about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her
> home.'

[samw]

LOL

[Fast1911]

Yeah you better not go to the PW thread....it's bad

That's cause Sparky hangs out over there......

[chpthril]

Well, we all know how he feels about the American flag, so he's sure to like this

[balair]

How can I show this board to my kids with that.

Yeah you better not go to the PW thread....it's bad