Post your best joke thread

[dogbert]

Official Announcement: in light of the 'bailout'

The federal government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed!

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that.

[chpthril]

Papa

Grandma Drives Differently from Grandpa

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special
effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would
take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some
bonding time. Just he and his granddaughter.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel
like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said
that she would take their granddaughter out. When they returned, the
little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather.

"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?"
"Oh yes, PaPa" the girl replied, "and do you know what?
We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy $h!t head anywhere we went
today!"

[skyski_tige]

If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago you would have $49.00 left.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214.00 cash.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

It's called the 401-Keg

************

A recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found Americans drink, on the average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.

[dogbert]

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow in the supermarket and was standing in the line at the cashiers.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid bitch ..........why else would I buy dog food ?

[jleger98]

No points for originality. We have now seen this twice with Sarah Palin and once with Obama. Anybody want to post it with Biden and McCain?

Ooooops

[skyski_tige]

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year old Texan the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to John McCain and his bid to be a heartbeat away from being President .

The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, McCain is a post turtle.'

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was.

The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle.'

The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain. 'You know he didn't get up there by herself, he doesn't belong up there, she doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just wonder what genius put him up there to begin with.

[Duncan]

^^^
But then it would not be as funny

[LovinPowell]

While stiching up a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Texas rancher whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Sarah Palin and her bid to be a heartbeat away from being President.

The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, Palin is a post turtle." Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was. The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."

The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know she didn't get up there by herself, she doesn't belong up there, she doesn't know what to do while she is up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb @ss put her up there to begin with.

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year old Texan the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Sarah
Palin and her bid to be a heartbeat away from being President .

The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Palin is a post turtle.'

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was.

The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post
turtle.'

The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain. 'You know she didn't get up there by herself, she doesn't
belong up there, she doesn't know what to do while she is up there, and you just wonder what genius put her up there to begin with.

No points for originality. We have now seen this twice with Sarah Palin and once with Obama. Anybody want to post it with Biden and McCain?

[jleger98]

The Post-Turtle

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year old Texan the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Sarah
Palin and her bid to be a heartbeat away from being President .

The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Palin is a post turtle.'

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was.

The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post
turtle.'

The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain. 'You know she didn't get up there by herself, she doesn't
belong up there, she doesn't know what to do while she is up there, and you just wonder what genius put her up there to begin with.

[lightning59]

Hey, I've got that same wallpaper! Sans JiffyPop.

[chpthril]

Redneck Fire Alarm

And, when the fire detector goes off, you have something to do while you wait for the fire engines; eat popcorn!

[chpthril]

A very gentle Southern lady was driving across the Savannah RiverBridge in Georgia one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixing (ready) to jump.

She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, 'Please don't jump, think of your dear mother and father.'
He replied, 'Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump.'

She said, 'Well, think of your wife and children.'

He replied, 'I'm not married and I don't have any kids.'

She said, 'Well, think of Robert E. Lee.'
He replied, ''Who's Robert E. Lee?''

She replied, ''Well bless your heart, just go ahead and jump, you dumb *** Yankee.'


A TRUE SOUTHERN LADY................

[chpthril]

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as:
· Romance 9.5 and
· Personal Attention 6.5.

and then installed undesirable programs such as :

· NBA 5.0,
· NFL 3.0 and
· Golf Clubs 4.1.

Also Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

· Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.







DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind,
· Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
· Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
· If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
· Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend
· Cooking 3.0 and
· Hot Lingerie 7.7.


Good Luck!
Tech Support

[hoopykat]

Not a joke, but a funny photo

GPS for dummies...

-Mike

[chpthril]

Job Opening

Job opening in Fort McMurray , Alberta

Position: Surveyor.

Salary: $200 per hour (tax-free).

Qualification: Must be fast on your feet.









Isn't it comforting to know that when you are about to become a bears breakfast your co-worker is standing there taking photos.