Post your best joke thread

[jwanck11]

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over
the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The
stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger
seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went
through a red light.'
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was
red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was
almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was
losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on
through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that
we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'
Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving ?'

[chpthril]

A MasterCraft owner buys two horses and he can't tell them apart. So he asks the farmer next door what to do. He says to cut one of their tails off. So he does. But then the other horse's tail gets caught in a bush and rips off. So he can't tell them apart again.
He asks the farmer for advice a second time. He tells him to cut one of the horses ears. So he does. But then the other horse gets its ear ripped in a barbed wire fence.
He is still confused. He asks the farmer what to do. He tells him to measure them.
He comes back and says, "The white horse is 2 inches taller than the black horse!"

I bet they were over-priced thoroughbreds he bought just to say he had one

[hoopykat]

A MasterCraft owner buys two horses and he can't tell them apart. So he asks the farmer next door what to do. He says to cut one of their tails off. So he does. But then the other horse's tail gets caught in a bush and rips off. So he can't tell them apart again.
He asks the farmer for advice a second time. He tells him to cut one of the horses ears. So he does. But then the other horse gets its ear ripped in a barbed wire fence.
He is still confused. He asks the farmer what to do. He tells him to measure them.
He comes back and says, "The white horse is 2 inches taller than the black horse!"

[scoot18]

Go ahead and add in Jesse, al, and Louis

Can I get an Amen on that one brothers!

"Amen"

[chpthril]

Barack Obama, Michelle Obama and Oprah Winfrey were flying on Obama's private plane. Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.' Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy. Michelle added, 'That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy.' Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, 'Such big-shots back there. I could throw all of their butts out of the window & make 56 million people very happy.

Go ahead and add in Jesse, al, and Louis

[Domsz06]

I love the ice fishing one!

[G-MONEY]

Obama & McCain Ice Fishing!

The Presidential election was too close to call.

Neither the Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election.


After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota. There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties.

At the end of the first day, John McCain returned to the starting line and he had ten fish.

Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having another 'bad hair' day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.

At the end of the 2nd day John McCain came in with 20 fish and Obama came in again with none.

That evening, Harry Reid got together secretly with Obama and said, 'Obama, I think John McCain is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating.'

The next night, after John McCain returns with 50 fish, Harry Reid said to Obama, 'Well, tell me, how is he cheating?'

Obama replied, 'Harry, you're not going to believe this, but he's cutting holes in the ice.'

That's a great one

[scoot18]

Obama & McCain Ice Fishing!

The Presidential election was too close to call.

Neither the Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election.


After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota. There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties.

At the end of the first day, John McCain returned to the starting line and he had ten fish.

Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having another 'bad hair' day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.

At the end of the 2nd day John McCain came in with 20 fish and Obama came in again with none.

That evening, Harry Reid got together secretly with Obama and said, 'Obama, I think John McCain is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating.'

The next night, after John McCain returns with 50 fish, Harry Reid said to Obama, 'Well, tell me, how is he cheating?'

Obama replied, 'Harry, you're not going to believe this, but he's cutting holes in the ice.'

[Domsz06]

that is freaking hilarious G!!

[jwanck11]

hehehehe

[rushin]

Dam, that's funny

[skyski_tige]

Barack Obama, Michelle Obama and Oprah Winfrey were flying on Obama's private plane. Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.' Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy. Michelle added, 'That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy.' Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, 'Such big-shots back there. I could throw all of their butts out of the window & make 56 million people very happy.

[G-MONEY]

Barack Obama, Michelle Obama and Oprah Winfrey were flying on Obama's private plane. Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.' Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy. Michelle added, 'That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy.' Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, 'Such big-shots back there. I could throw all of their butts out of the window & make 56 million people very happy.

[talltigeguy]

Liberal, conservative, or Redneck????

Are you Liberal, Conservative, or a Redneck?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a
deserted street with your wife
and
two small children.

Suddenly, an Islamic
Terrorist with a huge knife
comes
around the corner, locks eyes with you,
screams obscenities, praises
Allah, raises the
knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a
Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.

You have mere seconds
before he reaches yo u and your family. What
do
you do?

.................................................. ..........


THINK CAREFULLY AND
THEN SCROLL DOWN:









Liberal's Answer:


Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun any way, and what kind of message
does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my
family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this happier,
healthier street that would discourage suc h behavior.
This is all so confusing!
I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a
consensus.

.................................................. ..................


Conservative's Answer:



BANG!


.................................................. ...........



Redneck's Answer:


BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG !
Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the
Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?! '
Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'
Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist

[rushin]

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a
> little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey
> kiss in his mouth and asked, 'Do you know what it is?' 'No, I don't,'
> said the little boy. 'Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your
> daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work.'


>
> Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, 'Spit it out!
> It's a piece of ***!'