Post your best joke thread

[eks]

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE ONE

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE TWO

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these
guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment, then the pastor said, "That's so sad. I
think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE THREE

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE FOUR

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

[Tequilasun]

Redneck word of the Year: "OBAMA"

I drank this whole case of beer OBAMA self!

I take real offense to you showing a pic of me and my pa. We ain't rednecks! LOL

[talltigeguy]

Redneck word of the year: "OBAMA"

Redneck word of the Year: "OBAMA"

I drank this whole case of beer OBAMA self!

[chpthril]

LETTER FROM THE BOSS......

As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%.

But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off six of our employees instead. This has really been bothering me, since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.

So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lot and found six 'Obama' bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. They voted for change, I gave it to them.
I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.

[chpthril]

[LovinPowell]

A friend of mine sent me this story. It is both an entertaining and educational.

You're right entertaining, educational and funny

[chadster2]

Dope tries to rope deer


A friend of mine sent me this story. It is both an entertaining and educational. It illustrates how a seemingly mild-mannered, wild animal can be quite dangerous if threatened. The author has apparently chosen not to reveal his identity to protect what is left of his dignity.

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer.

I figured that since they congregated at my cattle feeder and did not seem to fear when we were there. A bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not four feet away. It shouldn't be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it to transport it home.



I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, who had seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it.

I only had to wait for 20 minutes before three deer showed up. I picked one out, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.

I took a step towards it. It took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and received an education.


The first thing that I learned is that while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer exploded.

The second thing I learned, that pound for pound, a deer is a lot stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope with some dignity intact. A deer? No chance.

That thing ran, bucked, twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and I certainly could get close.



The deer jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground. It occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I originally imagined.

The only up side is that they do not have as much stamina as many animals. It was tired after 10 minutes and not nearly as strong to jerk me off my feet and drag me. With the blood flowing out of the big gash on my head, it took me a few minutes to realize this.

At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope. I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere.

At the time, there was no love lost between that deer and me. At that moment, I hated the thing and I would venture to guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly. I recognized that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death. I managed to get it lined up to back in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set, like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and started moving up so I could get my rope back.

My third lesson: Deer bite. Never in a million years, I would have thought that a deer would bite somebody so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.

Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes it's head, almost like a pit bull. They bite hard and it hurts. The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead.

My method proved ineffective. It seemed like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), distracted it. While I kept it busy tearing up my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day. Deer will strike at you with their front feet.

They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that when an animal like a horse strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond I devised a different strategy. I screamed like woman and tried to turn and run.

I was always told not to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you. There's a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Aside from being twice as strong and three times as evil, deer may not be so different from horses after all. The second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head. I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

I was pretty beat up. My scalp was split open, I had several large goose eggs (bumps), my wrist was bleeding pretty good and felt broken (it turned out to be just badly bruised) and my back was bleeding in a few places, though my insulated canvas jacket had protected me from the worst of it. I drove to the nearest place, which was the co-op. I got out of the truck, covered in blood and dust and looking horribly. The guy who ran the place saw me through the window and came running out yelling, "What happened?"

I have never seen any law that would prohibit an individual from roping a deer. I suspect that this is an area that they have overlooked entirely. Knowing, as I do, the lengths to which law enforcement personnel will go to exercise their power, I was concerned that they may find a way to twist the existing laws to paint my actions as criminal. I swear not wanting to admit that I had done something monumentally stupid played no part in my response.

I told him "I was attacked by a deer." I did not mention that at the time I had a rope on it. Attack evidence was all over my body. Deer prints on the back of my jacket where it had stomped all over me, and a large deer print on my face where it had struck me there. I asked him to call somebody to come get me. I didn't think I could make it home on my own.

Later that afternoon, a game warden showed up at my house and wanted to know about the deer attack. Surprisingly, deer attacks are a rare thing and they where most interested in the event. I tried to describe the attack as completely and accurately as I could... "I was filling the grain hopper and this deer came out of nowhere and just started kicking me and it bit me. It was obviously rabid or insane or something".

For miles around, everybody learned about the deer attack (the guy at the co-op has a big mouth). For several weeks people dragged their kids in the house when they saw deer. The local ranchers carried rifles when they filled their feeders.

I have told several people the story, but never anybody around here. I have to see these people every day and as an outsider. a "city folk" I have enough trouble fitting in without them snickering behind my back and whispering "there is the guy that tried to rope the deer".

[chpthril]

[chpthril]

Understanding the Stimulus Package


Shortly after class, an economics student approaches his economics
professor and says, "I don't understand this stimulus bill. Can you
explain it to me?"

The professor replied, "I don't have any time to explain it at my
office, but if you come over to my house on Saturday and help me with my
weekend project, I'll be glad to explain it to you." The student agreed.

At the agreed-upon time, the student showed up at the professor's
house. The professor stated that the weekend project involved his
backyard pool.

They both went out back to the pool, and the professor handed the
student a bucket. Demonstrating with his own bucket, the professor said,
"First, go over to the deep end, and fill your bucket with as much water
as you can." The student did as he was instructed.

The professor then continued, "Follow me over to the shallow end, and
then dump all the water from your bucket into it." The student was
naturally confused, but did as he was told.

The professor then explained they were going to do this many more times,
and began walking back to the deep end of the pool.

The confused student asked, "Excuse me, but why are we doing this?"

The professor matter-of-factly stated that he was trying to make the
shallow end much deeper.

The student didn't think the economics professor was serious, but
figured that he would find out the real story soon enough.

However, after the 6th trip between the shallow end and the deep end,
the student began to become worried that his economics professor had
gone mad. The student finally replied, "All we're doing is wasting
valuable time and effort on unproductive pursuits. Even worse, when this
process is all over, everything will be at the same level it was before,
so all you'll really have accomplished is the destruction of what could
have been truly productive action!"

The professor put down his bucket and replied with a smile,
"Congratulations. You now understand the stimulus bill."

[chpthril]

My Son, the Vet
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of the Granville Presbyterian church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor asked, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

The old lady replied, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful! What does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The little old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno ."

[zad0030]

Pilot Error
Funny Stuff! Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers (even if not...they're still pretty funny)

************************************************** **********
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
************************************************** ***************
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
************************************************** *********************
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this.. I've got the little Fokker in sight."
************************************************** **********************
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
********************************************
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
************************************************** *******
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
************************************************** **********
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
************************************************** ***********
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
************************************************** ************
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
************************************************** *************
While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[G-MONEY]

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:

THE SEXUAL POSITION KNOWN AS 69 WILL NOW BE REFERRED TO AS 96.

DUE TO THE ECONOMY, THE COST OF EATING OUT HAS GONE UP!

hahahahaha

good one

[chpthril]

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:

THE SEXUAL POSITION KNOWN AS 69 WILL NOW BE REFERRED TO AS 96.

DUE TO THE ECONOMY, THE COST OF EATING OUT HAS GONE UP!

[Carter13]

I hope OJ expires behind bars. He's guilty from years ago. You know the saying, what comes around goes around.
Bu bye A-Hole.

[talltigeguy]

In a few short days, an African American man will move from his private residence into a much larger and infinitely more expensive one owned not by him but by the taxpayers. A vast lawn, a perimeter fence and many well trained security specialists will insulate him from the rest of us but the mere fact that this man will be residing in this house should make us all stop and count our blessings - because it proves that we live in a nation where anything is possible.

Many believed this day would never come. Most of us hoped and prayed that it would, but few of us actually believed we would live to see it. Racism is an ugly thing in all of it's forms and there is little doubt that if this man had moved into this house fifteen years ago, there would have been a great outcry - possibly even rioting in the streets.

Today, we can all be both grateful and proud that no such mayhem will take place.when this man takes up residency in this house.

This man, moving into this house at this time in our nation's history is much more than a simple change of addresses for him - it is proof of a change in our attitude as a nation. It is an amends of sorts - the righting of a great wrong. It is a symbol of our growth, and of our willingness to "judge a man, not by the color of his skin but by the content of his character".

There can be little doubt now that the vast majority of us truly believe that this man has earned both his place in history and his new address. His time in this house will not be easy - it will be fraught with danger and he will face many challenges. I am sure there will be ma ny times when he asks himself how in the world he ended up here and like all who have gone before him, the experience will age him greatly.

But I for one will not waste an ounce of worry for his sake - because in every way a man can, he asked for this. His whole life for the past fifteen years appears to have been inexorably leading this man toward this house. It is highly probable that that in the past, despite all of his actions, racism would have kept this man out of this house. Today, I thank the lord above that I am an American and that I live in a nation where wrongs are righted, where justice matters and where truly anything is possible.

Who is this man? you ask. You think you know, don't you?
See below.