Post your best joke thread

[ImaPigDog]

Stop Terrorism!

WALK NAKED IN AMERICA DAY

As you may know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked. He must commit suicide if he does. So this Saturday at 4 PM, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Muslims and to demonstrate they think its okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all American women. Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment. The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.

God bless America!

[ImaPigDog]

Information about Gonorrhea Lectim outbreak

The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of this old disease. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim. It's pronounced "Gonna re-elect 'em," and it is a terrible obamanation.

The disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior involving putting your cranium up your rectum. Many victims contracted it in 2008...but now most people, after having been infected for the past 1-2 years, are starting to realize how destructive this sickness is.

It's sad because Gonorrhea Lectim is easily cured with a new drug just coming on the market called Votemout. You take the first dose in 2010 and the second dose in 2012 and simply don't engage in such behavior again; otherwise, it could become permanent and eventually wipe out all life as we know it.

Several states are already on top of this, like Virginia and New Jersey , and apparently now Massachusetts , with many more seeing the writing on the wall.

Please pass this important message on to all those bright folk you really care about.

[Iwndr]

Jenny Craig for Men

JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week.

[LovinPowell]

This is pretty good.

http://www.angelfire.com/ak2/intelli...ma_at_bat.html

[G-MONEY]

Obama Bingo- Here’s How To Play!



1. Before Obama's next televised speech, prepare your "Bullshit Bingo" card by drawing a square -- I find that 5" x 5" is a good size -- and dividing it into columns --five across and five down. That will give you 25 1-inch blocks.



2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:



· Restored our reputation

· Strategic fit

· Let me be clear

· Make no mistake

· Back from the brink

· Signs of recovery

· Out of the loop

· Benchmark

· Job creation

· Fiscal restraint

· Win-win

· Affordable health care

· Previous Administration

· Empower (or empowerment)

· Greed on Wall Street

· At the end of the day

· Empower (or empowerment)

· Touch base

· Mindset

· Corporate greed

· Ballpark

· Game plan

· Leverage

· Inherited as in "I inherited this mess”

· Relief for working families

3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.

4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout "BULLSHIT!"

Testimonials from past satisfied "Bullshit Bingo" players:


"I had been listening to the speech for only five minutes when I won."
- .S.King, Texas

"My attention span during speeches has improved dramatically."
- C, Perry , Alabama

"What a gas! Speeches will never be the same for me after my first win."
- M. Spelman, florida

“The atmosphere was tense in the last speech as 14 of us waited for the fifth box."
- Joe H, New Mexico

"The Bar was stunned as eight of us screamed "BULLSHIT!" for the third time in two hours."
- David B, Chattahoochee

I'm eagerly awaiting the "Pelosi" version.

Stan P, California

[Guapo]

Now let me get this straight ...... we are trying to pass a health care
plan written by a committee whose chairman says he doesn't understand it,
passed by a congress that hasn't read it but exempts itself from it, to be
signed by a president that also is exempt from it and hasn't read it and
who smokes, with funding administered by a treasury chief who didn't pay
his taxes, all to be overseen by a surgeon general who is obese, and
financed by a country that's broke!

What could possibly go wrong?

That's why I'm a truly scared of what may happen this week...

[G-MONEY]

Now let me get this straight ...... we are trying to pass a health care
plan written by a committee whose chairman says he doesn't understand it,
passed by a congress that hasn't read it but exempts itself from it, to be
signed by a president that also is exempt from it and hasn't read it and
who smokes, with funding administered by a treasury chief who didn't pay
his taxes, all to be overseen by a surgeon general who is obese, and
financed by a country that's broke!

What could possibly go wrong?

[Jeffe]

British Intelligence is warning that terrorist groups could fit women terrorists with exploding breast implants.

They knew it was only a matter of time before al Queda started setting booby traps...

[chpthril]

Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."
The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man,
"What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "168."
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics,
space exploration and medical technology.
The guy leaves, but he is curious...


So he goes back into the bar.


The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."
Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says,
"What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "100."
The robot then starts to talk about NASCAR, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.
The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting,
so he thinks he will try it one more time.


He goes back into the bar.


The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini.
The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "Uh, about 50."
The robot leans in real close and says,
"So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?"

Oh SNAP

[eks]

Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."
The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man,
"What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "168."
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics,
space exploration and medical technology.
The guy leaves, but he is curious...


So he goes back into the bar.


The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."
Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says,
"What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "100."
The robot then starts to talk about NASCAR, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.
The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting,
so he thinks he will try it one more time.


He goes back into the bar.


The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini.
The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "Uh, about 50."
The robot leans in real close and says,
"So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?"

[chpthril]

Serious health alert news.

Serious health alert news.

Important!

-



Very important information has just been made public that I think is something you should all be aware of: Gonorrhea Lectim.


The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of this old disease.

The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim. It's pronounced "Gonna re-elect 'im."

The disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior involving putting your cranium up your rectum.


Many victims contracted it in 2008 but now most people after having been infected for the past 1-2 years are starting to realize how destructive this sickness is. It's sad because it is so easily cured with a new procedure just coming on the market called Vo-tem-out!


You take the first dose/step in 2010 and the second dosage in 2012 and simply don't engage in such behavior again, otherwise it could become permanent and eventually wipe out all life as we know it.


Several states are already on top of this like Virginia and New Jersey , and apparently now Massachusetts with many more seeing the writing on the wall.



Please pass this important message on to all those bright folks you really care about

[chpthril]

Started My New Workout Routine

[lightning59]

Amen chp!!!!

[Guapo]

X2

[chpthril]

Oilfield Math



Working in the oilfield with others such as myself and a wealth of combined experience we understand the accuracy of the following.

Think of it this way:

A clunker that travels 12,000 miles a year at 15 mpg uses 800 gallons of gas a year.

A vehicle that travels 12,000 miles a year at 25 mpg uses 480 gallons a year.

So, the average Cash for Clunkers transaction will reduce US gasoline consumption by 320 gallons per year.

They claim 700,000 vehicles so that's 224 million gallons saved per year.

That equates to a bit over 5 million barrels of oil.

5 million barrels is about 5 hours worth of US consumption.

More importantly, 5 million barrels of oil at $70 per barrel costs about $350 million dollars

So, the government paid $3 billion of our tax dollars to save $350 million.

We spent $8.57 for every dollar we saved.

I'm pretty sure they will do a great job with our health care, though.