Post your best joke thread

[wallacmc]

^^^^Nice one!^^^^ I'm using that tomorrow.

[chpthril]

*Union Rules & Hookers*
* *
*A dedicated Teamsters
union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, 'Is this a union house?' **

**
'No,' she replied, 'I'm sorry it isn't.' **

**
'Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?' **

**
'The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,' she answered **

**
Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, 'Why yes sir, this is a union house. **

**
We observe all union rules.' **

**
The man asked, 'And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?' 'The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.' **

**
'That's more like it!' the union man said. **

**
He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde. **
**
**
**
**

'I'd like her,' he said. *

*
'I'm sure you would, sir,' said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, 'but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next.'

[chpthril]

I'm A Democrat Because...


I'm a Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from murderers and thieves.

I'm a Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want. I've decided to marry my horse.

I'm a Democrat because I believe oil companies' profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene but the government taxing the same gallon of gas at 15% isn't.

I'm a Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.

I'm a Democrat because freedom of speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it.

I'm a Democrat because when we pull out of Iraq I trust that the bad guys will stop what they're doing because they now think we're good people.

I'm a Democrat because I believe that people who can't tell us if it will rain on Friday CAN tell us that the polar ice caps will melt away in ten years if I don't start driving a Prius.

I'm a Democrat because I'm not concerned about the slaughter of millions of babies, so long as we keep all death row inmates and al-Qaeda terrorists alive.

I'm a Democrat because I believe that business should not be allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even and give the rest away to the government for redistribution as THEY see fit.

I'm a Democrat because I believe liberal judges need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit some fringe kooks who would NEVER get their agendas past the voters.

I'm a Democrat because my head is so firmly planted up my rear, it's unlikely that I'll ever 'see the light of day' and have another point of view .

[chpthril]

A cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Barack Obama is trying to gather more support for his Health Plan. Once he discovers the cowboy is from President Bush's home area, he starts to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.

As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"

Obama stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what
they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well Sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost
always found circling around the back end of a horse."

"Oh," Obama replies as he goes back to rambling. But, a
moment later he stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's ***?"

No, Sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their President a horse's ***."

"That's a good thing," Obama responds and begins rambling on once more.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies, though."

[chpthril]

[chpthril]

[chpthril]

In Washington, D.C. an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation’s capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near..
“Yes, Father?” said the nurse.
“I would really like to see President Obama and Speaker Pelosi before I die”, whispered the priest.
“I’ll see what I can do, Father”, replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to The President and Congress and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; President Obama and Nancy Pelosi would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they went to the hospital, Obama commented to Pelosi, “I don’t know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images and might even get me re-elected. After all, I’m IN IT TO WIN.”
Pelosi agreed that it was a good thing..
When they arrived at the priest’s room, the priest took Obama’s hand in his right hand and Pelosi’s hand in his left hand. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest’s face.
Finally President Obama spoke. “Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?”
The old priest slowly replied, “I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.”
“Amen”, said Obama.
“Amen”, said Pelosi.
The old priest continued, “Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same.”

[Shamus]

Little Johnnies neighbor had a baby. Unfortunatly, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnies family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears, he would the the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie said he understood completely.

When Johnnie looked in the crib he said "what a beautiful baby". The mother responded "Why, thank you little Johnnie!"

Johnnie continued, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, really cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", said the mother, "we are so thankful; the doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"Ohh thats great!" Little Johnnie replied, "Coz he'd be F@#$ed if he needed glasses>"

[chpthril]

> MY DADDY IS AN EXOTIC DANCER
>
> One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what
> their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came
> up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor,
> lawyer, and so forth.
>
> However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically
> quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he
> finally replied, 'Okay...my father's an exotic
> dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in
> front of other men and they put money in his underwear.
> Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with
> some guy and stay with him all night for money.'
>
> The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly
> set the other children to work on some exercises and then
> took little Justin aside to ask him,
>
> 'Is that really
> true about your father?'
>
> 'No', the boy said, 'He actually works for the
> Democratic National Committee and helped get Barack Obama
> elected President last year, but I was too embarrassed to
> say that in front of the class.'

[chpthril]

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh
largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California . .


White minorities still trying to have English recognized as
Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and
livestock.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage..

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10
more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica . No
other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported
legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.


George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.


Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and
reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.


85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight
loss.



Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive
year in Mexifornia and Floruba.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter
speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Abortion clinics now available in every
High School in United States

Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling
for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and
Fridays.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil
rights.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly
swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.

Now, send this to whomever you want and as many as you want, then,
guess what....NOTHING will happen. No miracles, no money, absolutely
nothing, except you might make someone smile or very very scared.


I Love This Country!

It's The Government That Scares Me!

[River Runner]

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration. 'Thanks,' the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer, the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster'.

She replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.

[River Runner]

AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION


'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

[G-MONEY]

Due to budget cuts and the struggling economy, the light at the end of the tunnel is being turned off.

Dang it!

[LovinPowell]

Due to budget cuts and the struggling economy, the light at the end of the tunnel is being turned off.

[chpthril]

Rare photo of the 1940 Tour de France