Post your best joke thread

[bigdaddy_houseboater]

A chinese couple gets married and they are on their honeymoon. They are getting ready for bed, and the wife is in the bed already. She is trembling under the sheets, and the husband tells her "oh, wieefe of miyen, pwease do not be afwaid, I weewl not huwt you. I ruv you, I want to geeve you anything".
She peeks out, just her eyes and says, "but but... I want de numba seexty nine".
He responds.... "You want mandreen beef and bwoccolwi?"

[Iwndr]

Clean can be funny.

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.

*****************************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

[Iwndr]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

[Iwndr]

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

[Dave K]

Courtesy of my brother-i]n-law

A. Did you know that the word "race car" spelled backward still spells "race car"?


B. Did you know that "eat" is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense "ate"?


C. And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants" and add just a few more letters, it spells out:

"Go home you f_cking free-loading, benefit-grabbing, kid-producing, violent, non-English speaking a_sholes and take those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, goat-f__king, raggedy-a_s b_stards with you"?

How weird is that???

[Dave K]

Doctor asks a pregnant prostitute,

"Do you know who the father is?"


================================================== ============


"For Sh_t's sake, if you ate a tin of beans

would you know which one made you fart?"
















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[LovinPowell]

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.
One is from Chicago, one from Tennessee and the other from Minnesota.

All three agree to go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works out some figures with a pencil. "Well, he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400. for materials, $400. for my crew and $100. profit for me.

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. $300. for materials, $300. for my crew and a $100. profit for me.

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2700."

The White House official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000. for me, $1000. for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan works.

Joe.............

[Dave K]

For those of you who remember Hollywood Squares some of the funnies one liner where compliments of Paul Lynde

Peter Marshall: If the right part comes along, will George C. Scott do a nude scene?
Paul Lynde: You mean he doesn't have the right part?

Peter Marshall: Will a goose help warn you if there's an intruder on your property?
Paul Lynde: There's no better way!

Peter Marshall: In "Alice in Wonderland", who kept crying "I'm late, I'm late?"
Paul Lynde: Alice, and her mother is sick about it.

Peter Marshall: According to Tony Randall, "Every woman I've been intimate with in my life has been..." What?
Paul Lynde: Bitterly disappointed.

Peter Marshall: Diamonds should not be kept with your family jewels, why?
Paul Lynde: They're so cold!

Peter Marshall: What is a pullet?
Paul Lynde: A little show of affection...

Peter Marshall: In the Middle Ages, Paul, people in convents were not allowed to eat beans because they believed something about them we now know isn't true. What?
Paul Lynde: Well, I know they took a vow of silence...

Peter Marshall: Paul, Snow White...was she a blonde or a brunette?
Paul Lynde: Only Walt Disney knows for sure...

Peter Marshall: Promethius was tied to the top of a mountain by the gods because he had given something to man. What did he give us?
Paul Lynde: I don't know what you got, but I got a sports shirt.

Peter Marshall: When Richard Nixon was Vice-President, he went someplace on a "good will mission," but instead wound up being stoned and shouted at. Where did this take place?
Paul Lynde: Pat's room .

Peter Marshall: True or false, cow's horns are used to make ice cream.
Paul Lynde: You mean those weren't chocolate chips?

(I know these next two are already quoted to death but I just couldn't resist)
Peter Marshall: What are "dual purpose"cattle good for that other cattle aren't?
Paul Lynde: They give milk and cookies...but I don't recommend the cookies!

Peter Marshall: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Peter Marshall: True or false...research indicates that Columbus liked to wear bloomers and long stockings.
Paul Lynde: It's not easy to sign a crew up for six months...

Peter Marshall: Whose motto is "Do Your Best"?
Paul Lynde: I guess we can rule out Jimmy Carter...

Peter Marshall: According to the French Chef, Julia Child, how much is a pinch?
Paul Lynde: Just enough to turn her on...

Peter Marshall: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Peter Marshall: True or false, the navy has trained whales to recover objects a mile deep.
Paul Lynde: At first they tried unsuccessfully with cocker spaniels...

Peter Marshall: It used to be called "9-pin." What's it called today?
Paul Lynde: Foreplay!

Peter Marshall: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

Peter Marshall: Paul, in the early days of Hollywood, who was usually found atop Tony, the Wonder Horse?
Paul Lynde: My Friend Flicka.

Peter Marshall: During the War of 1812, Captain Oliver Perry made the famous statement, "We have met the enemy and..." What?
Paul Lynde: They are cute.

Peter Marshall: Burt Reynolds is quoted as saying, "Dinah (Shore)'s in top form. I've never known anyone to be so completely able to throw herself into a..." A what?
Paul Lynde: A headboard.

Peter Marshall: What is the name of the instrument with the light on the end, that the doctor sticks in your ear?
Paul Lynde: Oh, a cigarette.

Peter Marshall: In one state, you can deduct $5 from a traffic ticket if you show the officer...what?
Paul Lynde: A ten dollar bill.

Peter Marshall: Experts say you should avoid sex immediately after...what?
Paul Lynde: Surgery.

Peter Marshall: True or false, each generation of Americans has been about an inch taller than the previous generation...
Paul Lynde: That makes Robert Conrad an antique!

Peter Marshall: It's well known that small amounts of female hormones are found in the male body. Are male hormones ever found in the female body?
Paul Lynde: Occasionally.

Peter Marshall: In the "Wizard of Oz," the lion wanted courage and the tin man wanted a heart. What did the scarecrow want?
Paul Lynde: He wanted the tin man to notice him.

Peter Marshall: Billy Graham recently called it "our great hope in a confusing and ever-changing world." What is it?
Paul Lynde: Pampers.

Peter Marshall: Paul, how many men are on a hockey team?
Paul Lynde: Oh, about half.

Peter Marshall: What should you do if you're going 55 miles per hour and your tires suddenly blow out?
Paul Lynde: Honk if you believe in Jesus.

Peter Marshall: What do you call a man who gives you diamonds and pearls?
Paul Lynde: I'd call him "darling"!

Peter Marshall: True or false...a shipment of the Pill was recently recalled because they were actually sugar pills...
Paul Lynde: Does this mean all of the babies born in November will have pimples?

[Dave K]

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon
a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of
it.
The first hunter says " Wow, 'at's some hole, I can't even see the bottom,
I wonder how deep it is?"

The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen

and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says " There's this old transmission here, give me a hand
and we'll throw it in and see.."

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two, and three,
and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking
over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they
turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the
hole, and with no hesitation, jump in head first. While they are
standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to
figure
out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Didn't happen to see
my goat round here, did ya?"

The first hunter says " We sure nuff did. We was just a standin here a
minute ago and yer goat come running out of them bushes over yonder doin'
bout a hunert miles an hour and he jumped head first into this here hole!"

And the old farmer said, "That ain't possible. I had him chained to a
transmission!"

[Iwndr]

Not really a joke but good reading:

Shooting advice
Words Of Wisdom

Clint Smith, Director of Thunder Ranch, is part drill instructor, and part
standup comic (Thunder Ranch is a firearms training facility).

Here are a few of his observation on tactics, firearms, self defense and
life as we know it in the civilized world.

"The most important rule in a gunfight is: Always win and cheat if
necessary."

"Don't forget, incoming fire has the right of way.."

"Make your attacker advance through a wall of bullets. You may get killed
with your own gun, but he'll have to beat you to death with it, cause it's
going to be empty."

"If you're not shootin', you should be loadin'. If you're not loadin', you
should be movin', if you're not movin', someone's gonna cut your head off
and put it on a stick.."

"When you reload in low light encounters, don't put your flashlight in your
back pocket.. If you light yourself up, you'll look like an angel or the
tooth fairy... and you're gonna be one of 'em pretty soon."

"Do something. It may be wrong, but do something."

"Shoot what's available, as long as it's available, until something else
becomes available."

"If you carry a gun, people will call you paranoid. That's ridiculous. If
you have a gun, what in the hell do you have to be paranoid for."

"Don't shoot fast, unless you also shoot good.."

"You can say 'stop' or 'alto' or use any other word you think will work, but
I've found that a large bore muzzle pointed at someone's head is pretty much
the universal language."

"You have the rest of your life to solve your problems. How long you live
depends on how well you do it."

"You cannot save the planet but you may be able to save yourself and your
family."

"Thunder Ranch will be here as long as you'll have us or until someone makes
us go away, and either way, it will be exciting."

More Excellent Gun Wisdom.......

The purpose of fighting is to win. There is no possible victory in defense.
The sword is more important than the shield, and skill is more important
than either. The final weapon is the brain. All else is supplemental.

1.. Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll
just kill you.

2. If you find yourself in a fair fight, there is something wrong with your
tactics.

3. I carry a gun cause a cop is too heavy.

4. When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away.

5. A reporter did a human-interest piece on the Texas Rangers. The reporter
recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked him 'Why do
you carry a 45?' The Ranger responded, 'Because they don't make a 46.'

6. An armed man will kill an unarmed man with monotonous regularity..

7. The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented on
his wearing his sidearm. 'Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you
expecting trouble?' 'No ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have
brought my rifle.'

8. Beware of the man who only has one gun, because he probably knows how to
use it very well.

'The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but
because he loves what is behind him.' G. K. Chesterton

A people that values its privileges above its principles will soon lose
both.

If you support the 2nd Amendment of the U.S.. Constitution, please forward.

[chpthril]

Drunk Sailer: Epic WIN!

[chpthril]

Subject: The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked
about his bill, and the barber replied, "I cannot accept money from you, I'm
doing community service this week." The florist was pleased and left the
shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
"thank you" card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the
barber again replied, "I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community
service this week." The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning
when the barber went to open up, there was a "thank you" card and a dozen
donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing
community service this week." The Congressman was very happy and left the
shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

> And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the
> citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

[chpthril]

"Survivor, Wyoming-style."

My dad, who was born and raised in Wyoming, sent this to me....

Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Wyoming is planning to do one entitled, "Survivor, Wyoming-style."


The nine contestants will all start in Cheyenne, then drive to Laramie, Casper, Gillette, up to Sheridan and over to Lovell....... They will then proceed Cody, Jackson Hole, Afton, Pinedale, Rock Springs, and Evanston. From there they will go midstate to Lander, Riverton, Worland and finish in Greybull.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read: "I'm a Democrat,"-- "I'm Gay,"-- "I love the Dixie Chicks ,"-- "Boycott Beef,"-- "I Voted for Obama,"-- " George Strait Sucks,"-- "Hillary in 2012," and "I'm Here to Confiscate your Guns."

The first one to make it back to Greybull alive wins..... God Bless Wyoming!

[talltigeguy]

The Farmer Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an
old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, he lets his overalls fall down to his hips revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Grabbing both sides of his shirt he rips it apart to reveal his stained tee shirt underneath.

With a final flourish he tears the tee shirt from his body and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?"

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the snot out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me and the old lady been having trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

[talltigeguy]

In honor of the 44th President of the United States, your local ice cream store

has introduced a new flavor: " Barocky Road ".


Barocky Road is a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate, and surrounded by

nuts and flakes. The vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient. The nuts and flakes are all very crusty and are hard to swallow.


The cost is $100.00 per scoop.


When purchased it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but

after you pay for it, the ice cream is taken away and given to the person

in line behind you at no charge.


You are left with an empty wallet and no change, holding an empty cone

with no hope of getting any ice cream.


Are you stimulated?