Post your best joke thread

[slacker661]

On their way home from a weekend trip a man and his wife get pulled over by a state trooper.The trooper approaches the vehicle and asked the man "where you headed?".The man replies "on our way to Florida".The mans wife who is hard of hearing yells"WHAT DID HE SAY?".The man replies "he asked where we are going?". The trooper than asked "where are you coming from"?The man says "pennsylvania".The trooper says "pennsylvania,you know I had the worst sex I've ever had in my life in pennsylvania".Quickly the mans wife again ask "WHAT DID HE SAY"the man replies "he said he think he knows you".

[slacker661]

Afetr Quasimodo's death,the bishop of the cathedral of notre damesent word through the streets of Paristhat a new bell ringer was needed.The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the beltry to begin the screening process.After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills,he had decided to call it a day when a armless man approached him and anounced that he was there to apply for the bell ringers job.The bishop was incredulous."you have no arms"No matter" said the man. "observe"and he began striking the bells with his face producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.The bishop listened in astonishment,convinced he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quassimod.But suddenly rushing forwardto strike a bell,the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.The stunned bishoprusdhed to his side.When he reached the street,a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure,drawn by the beautiful musicthey had heard only moments before.s the silently parted to let the bishop through,one of them asked,"Bishop,who was the man?I dont know his name, the bishop sadly replied,but his face rings a bell

[Original Wing Nut]

Parenting

Dear Dad
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with
Mom and you. I have been finding real passion withStacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the factthat she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dadshe's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She ownsa trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened myeyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll begrowing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live
nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science
will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son, John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at
Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things
in life than a report card, that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home.

[slacker661]

A guy and his son are out front trying to fly a kite.Everytime the kite goes up for a couple seconds then comes crashig down.His wife looks out the front door and says " I think you need more tail".The guy looks at his son and says I asked for more tail yesterday and she told me to go fly a kite

[chpthril]

Knew It Was Going To Be A Bad Day When...

I rear ended a car this morning...
I knew it was going to be a REALLY bad day.
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!
He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT happy".
I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"

That's when the fight started

[dogbert]

Wow!

[talltigeguy]

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The > stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one > carrion allowed per passenger."> >

2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low > earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.> >

3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and > became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and > never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the > lesser of two weevils.> >

4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire > in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak > and heat it, too.> >

5. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up > to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."> >

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root > canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.> >

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing > in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about > an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. > "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't > stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."> >

8. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes > to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in > Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of > himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her > husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband > responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."> >

9. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up > a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers > from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition > was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. > He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the > rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug > in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed > their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. > Terrified, they did thereby proving that: Hugh,and only Hugh, can > prevent florist friars.> >

10. And finally, there was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, > in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. > Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.>

[spharis]

Last Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!"

I took a drink from my bottle of Miller Light, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this nosy *** neighbor and then calmly replied,

"I am. That's why she cuts the grass."

[G-MONEY]

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"
The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95."

The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and...one of Ken's Friends."

She should be cheaper it's not like she paid for any of that stuff, plus she's used.

[CP3]

HAHAHA thats a good one

[da.bell]

OMG!!!!! He must have been buying that Barbie in California where Barbie got divorced.

I like that one...

[chpthril]

Divorced Barbie

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"
The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95."

The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and...one of Ken's Friends."

[chpthril]

Bill Gates V's GM

Gates vs. GM

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:



If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........ Twice a day.



2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.



3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.



4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.



5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.



6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.



7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.



8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.



9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to d! rive al l over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.



10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off

[G-MONEY]

Blonde in Starbucks....


A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's

a 'peel and win' sticker on her coffee cup.



So she peels it off and starts screaming,

'I've won a motorhome!

I've won a motorhome!'



The waitress says, 'That's impossible.

The biggest prize is a free Lunch.?'



But the blonde keeps on screaming,

'I've won a motorhome!

I've won a motorhome!'



Finally, the manager comes over and says,

'Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken.

You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome

because we didn't have that as a prize.



The blonde says, 'No, it's not a mistake.

I've won a motorhome!'



And she hands the ticket to the

manager and HE reads...



(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!! . I PROMISE !)



'W I N A B A G E L'

[G-MONEY]

I was starting to think that you were telling us a joke about Texas and all the rain that they have had... he he he

That was a good one. Apparently Noah lives in California.

I thought the same thing.....