Post your best joke thread

[chpthril]

With the Boy Scouts, we would send the newbies around to other troops at council events asking to barrow a smokebender.

[bk3104]

And way back when I was working my way through school by working on cars we'd get the rookie parts counter man lost looking for a thermostat for a 68 VW Beetle or muffler bearings.

[G-MONEY]

We use to send Marines up and down hills looking for a stupid ID10T Form while stationed in HI. They were a little sweaty after a few of those trips.

In baseball we would send the freshmen to go find the keys to the batters box in the coaches office. Mind you our coach was in on it so he would put a bunch of loose keys in his office and the freshmen would always come back with all the keys asking what key opened the batters box.


We also would send them in to the shed to find the bucket of left-handed curve balls. It was hard to keep a straight face when they were looking for them.

[LovinPowell]

Try this one

The Presidential election was too close to call. Neither the Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election.

Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the winner.

After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota .

There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. With their catch for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties. At the end of the first day, John McCain returned to the starting line and he had ten fish.

Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having another 'bad hair' day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.

At the end of the 2nd day John McCain came in with 20 fish and Obama came in again with none.

That evening, Harry Reid got together secretly with Obama and said, 'Obama, I think John McCain is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating.'

The next night (after John McCain returns with 50 fish), Harry said to Obama, 'Well, tell me, how is John cheating?'

Obama replied, 'Harry, you're not going to believe this, but he's cutting holes in the ice.'

Experience Counts!

Now that is funny

[da.bell]

Computer Error:
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11 year
Old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to
Come over.

Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID
Ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error
Before?''

No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it
Out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little $h!t.

We use to send Marines up and down hills looking for a stupid ID10T Form while stationed in HI. They were a little sweaty after a few of those trips.

[chpthril]

Computer Error:
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11 year
Old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to
Come over.

Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID
Ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error
Before?''

No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it
Out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little $h!t.

[chpthril]

chp that last one was hilarious

Try this one

The Presidential election was too close to call. Neither the Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election.

Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the winner.

After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota .

There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. With their catch for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties. At the end of the first day, John McCain returned to the starting line and he had ten fish.

Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having another 'bad hair' day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.

At the end of the 2nd day John McCain came in with 20 fish and Obama came in again with none.

That evening, Harry Reid got together secretly with Obama and said, 'Obama, I think John McCain is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating.'

The next night (after John McCain returns with 50 fish), Harry said to Obama, 'Well, tell me, how is John cheating?'

Obama replied, 'Harry, you're not going to believe this, but he's cutting holes in the ice.'


Experience Counts!

[balair]

chp that last one was hilarious

[dogbert]

One of the few political philosophies I endorse. WORK

I was talking to a friend of mine's little girl the other day.

I asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up and she replied, "I
want to be President!" Both of her parents are liberal Democrats and were
standing there.

So then I asked her, "If you were President what would be the
first thing you would do?"

She replied, "I'd give houses to all the homeless
people."

"Wow - what a worthy goal." I told her, "You don't have to wait until
you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and
mow, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll
take you over to the grocery store where this homeless guy hangs out, and you can
give him the $50 to use toward a new house."

Since she is only 6, she thought that over for a few seconds. While
her Mom glared at me, she looked me straight in the eye and asked,
"Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can
just pay him the $50?"

And I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

Her folks still aren't talking to me

LOL.

[chpthril]

One of the few political philosophies I endorse. WORK

I was talking to a friend of mine's little girl the other day.

I asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up and she replied, "I
want to be President!" Both of her parents are liberal Democrats and were
standing there.

So then I asked her, "If you were President what would be the
first thing you would do?"

She replied, "I'd give houses to all the homeless
people."

"Wow - what a worthy goal." I told her, "You don't have to wait until
you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and
mow, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll
take you over to the grocery store where this homeless guy hangs out, and you can
give him the $50 to use toward a new house."

Since she is only 6, she thought that over for a few seconds. While
her Mom glared at me, she looked me straight in the eye and asked,
"Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can
just pay him the $50?"

And I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

Her folks still aren't talking to me

[chpthril]

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.


Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.


Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.. The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.


Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.


And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.


Vote carefully this year

[chpthril]

SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL,
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, ''SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.''

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE,
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL...
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, ''THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.''

''YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER.
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.''

BUT MAMA KNEW, AND SAID, ''MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY.
MARRY WILL, OR MARRY JOE...
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.''

Brings a tear to yer eye, don't it?

[chpthril]

Young Chuck, moved to Montana and bought a horse from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.'

Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.'

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?

Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead horse!'

Chuck said, 'Sure I can Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead horse?'

Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Chuck grew up and works for the government

[chpthril]

THE PATRIOT MICRO CHIP

THE
PATRIOT MICRO CHIP is intended to be implanted in terrorists.

The implant is specifically designed to be installed in the
forehead.

When properly installed it will allow the
implantee to speak to God.



It
comes in various sizes:



The
Implantee may or may not be allowed to choose the size.


The
implant may or may not be painless.

Some bleeding and or swelling may
occur at the injection site



Please enjoy the
security we provide for you.

Best regards,

The
UNITED STATES MARINE CORPS

[chpthril]

Leave it to the Irish to cut through the crap and make the whole issue crystal clear...



Thoughts from across the pond
An email from Ireland to the brethren in the States...a point to ponder despite your political affiliation:

'We, in Ireland, can't figure out why people are even bothering to hold an election in the United States! On one side, you have a pants wearing woman lawyer, married to a lawyer who can't keep his pants on, who just lost a long and heated primary against a lawyer who goes to the wrong church who is married to yet another lawyer who doesn't even like the country her husband wants to run.

Now...On the other side, you have a nice old war hero whose name starts with the appropriate "Mc" terminology married to a good looking younger woman who owns a beer distributorship.

What in Lord's name are ye lads thinking over there in the colonies??