Post your best joke thread

[G-MONEY]

Down South, Bubba called an attorney and asked, "Is it true they's suin' them cigarette companies fer causin' people to git cancer ?"

"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.

"And now someone is suin' them fast food restrunts fer makin' them fat an cloggin' their arteries with all them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"

"Sure is, Bubba."

"And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"

"Yep."

"And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still couldn't read?"

"That's right," said the lawyer.But why are you asking?"

"Well, I got thinkin', what I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?"

[G-MONEY]

FIREARMS REFRESHER COURSE

1. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.

2. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.

3 Colt: The original point and click interface.

4 Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.

5. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.

6. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.

7. If you don't know your rights, you don't have any.

8. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.

9. The United States Constitution (c)1791. All Rights Reserved .

10. What part of 'shall not be infringed ' do you not understand?

11. The Second Amendment is in place in case the politicians ignore the others.

12.. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.

13. Guns only have two enemies; rust and politicians.

14. Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns, no peace, no safety.

15. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.

16. 911: Government sponsored Dial-a-Prayer.

17. Assault is a behavior, not a device

18. Criminals love gun control; it makes their jobs safer.

19. If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson.

20. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control them.

21. You have only the rights you are willing to fight for.

22. Enforce the gun control laws we ALREADY have; don't make more.

23. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.

24. The American Revolution would never have happened with gun control.

[G-MONEY]

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden,
and an American are all working together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
!
"I will give each on you one wish,
which is three wishes in total", says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son
will also farm. I want the land to be
forever fertile in Canada "

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye,
the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall
around Afghanistan , Palestine , ! Iraq
and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or
Canadians can come in our our precious land."

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye,
there was a huge wall around those countries.

The American says, "I am very curious.
Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5,000
feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely
surrounds the country. Nothing can get in
or out; it's virtually impenetrable."

The American sits down, cracks a beer,
smiles, and says to the Genie, "Fill it with water."

I pretty much vote this my favorite
email of the year...

[G-MONEY]

ha ha ha ha

[philwsailz]

So there was a penguin driving through town. His car overheated. The penguin decided to drop the car off with a mechanic, who said the repair would be about an hour.

The penguin was hot, so he decided to go to the ice cream parlor to cool off while the mechanic was looking at his car. He decided to have a banana split to pass the time.

After an hour, the penguin went back to get the car. The mechanic looked up and said: "Looks like you blew a seal"

The penguin replied wiping his face: "nope, just some vanilla ice cream"

[G-MONEY]

i filed mine monday. find out two weeks what I get.

I'm only getting about $600 back



I have it set up that I get the most out of my paychecks eff the gov. they don't get to hold my money then give it back to me at the end of the year.

[CP3]

thats a pretty good one

[Domsz06]

Reminder: Remember to pay your taxes...12 million illegal aliens are depending on you

i filed mine monday. find out two weeks what I get.

[G-MONEY]

Reminder: Remember to pay your taxes...12 million illegal aliens are depending on you

[Domsz06]

I have a friend who who has a friend who is president of his homeowners association in the Dallas, Texas suburbs. They were having a terrible problem with litter near some of his association's homes. The reason according to Wallace (my friend) is that six very large, luxurious new houses are being built right next to their community.



The trash was coming from the Mexican laborers working at the construction sites and included bags from McDonald's, Burger King and 7-11, plus coffee cups, napkins, cigarette butts, coke cans, empty bottles, etc. He went to see the site supervisor and even the general contractor, politely urging them to get their workers not to litter the neighborhood, to no avail. He called the city, county, and police and got no help there either.


So here's what his community did. They organized about twenty folks, named themselves The "Inner Neighborhood Services" group, and arranged to go out at lunch time and "police" the trash themselves. It is what they did while picking up the trash that is so hilarious. They bought navy blue baseball caps and had the initials "INS" embroidered in gold on the caps. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand what they hoped people might mistakenly think the letters really stand for.



After the Inner Neighborhood Services group's first lunch time pickup detail, with all of them wearing their caps and some carrying cameras, 46 out of the total of 68 construction workers did not show up for work the next morning -- and haven't come back yet. It has been ten days now.


The General Contractor, I'm told, is madder than hell, but can't say anything publicly because he could be busted for hiring illegal aliens. Wallace and his bunch can't be accused of impersonating federal personnel, because they have the official name of the group recorded in their homeowner association minutes along with a notation about the vote to approve formation of the new subcommittee -- and besides, they informed the INS in advance of their plans and according to Wallace, the INS said basically, "Have at it!"



SO, FOLKS, I THINK YOU COULD SAY THAT TEXAS INGENUITY TRIUMPHS AGAIN!



Reminder: Remember to pay your taxes...12 million illegal aliens are depending on you

HA HA HA!! THAT IS FREAKING HILARIOUS!!

[chpthril]

I have a friend who who has a friend who is president of his homeowners association in the Dallas, Texas suburbs. They were having a terrible problem with litter near some of his association's homes. The reason according to Wallace (my friend) is that six very large, luxurious new houses are being built right next to their community.



The trash was coming from the Mexican laborers working at the construction sites and included bags from McDonald's, Burger King and 7-11, plus coffee cups, napkins, cigarette butts, coke cans, empty bottles, etc. He went to see the site supervisor and even the general contractor, politely urging them to get their workers not to litter the neighborhood, to no avail. He called the city, county, and police and got no help there either.


So here's what his community did. They organized about twenty folks, named themselves The "Inner Neighborhood Services" group, and arranged to go out at lunch time and "police" the trash themselves. It is what they did while picking up the trash that is so hilarious. They bought navy blue baseball caps and had the initials "INS" embroidered in gold on the caps. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand what they hoped people might mistakenly think the letters really stand for.



After the Inner Neighborhood Services group's first lunch time pickup detail, with all of them wearing their caps and some carrying cameras, 46 out of the total of 68 construction workers did not show up for work the next morning -- and haven't come back yet. It has been ten days now.


The General Contractor, I'm told, is madder than hell, but can't say anything publicly because he could be busted for hiring illegal aliens. Wallace and his bunch can't be accused of impersonating federal personnel, because they have the official name of the group recorded in their homeowner association minutes along with a notation about the vote to approve formation of the new subcommittee -- and besides, they informed the INS in advance of their plans and according to Wallace, the INS said basically, "Have at it!"



SO, FOLKS, I THINK YOU COULD SAY THAT TEXAS INGENUITY TRIUMPHS AGAIN!



Reminder: Remember to pay your taxes...12 million illegal aliens are depending on you

[Tanner]

Ok this one hits close to home as my dad and me were always trying to get my mom to eat deer, or wild turkey, or pheasant, or w/e we would bring home.....


So a father was serving a deer he had shot to his family. They asked what it was.... he said, "I'll give you a clue.... it's what your mother always calls me". The oldest boy yells out..... "DON'T EAT IT, IT'S A ****!"

[Lunchbox]

Blizzard Advice

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work.

She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.

She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift.

This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it.

As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window.

The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time.

She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Walmart parking lot and was going over to Sears next.

[chpthril]

Need Directions?

This is one time I dont need to stop and ask for directions

Boy, talk about profetic sign painters. This guy got it right!

Checking Google, there are two cities with these names in South Carolina.
This picture could have been taken in Kinards, SC where State Route 560 dead
ends at US 76. Clinton is clearly to the LEFT and Prosperity is cleary to
the RIGHT.

[Domsz06]

Her Diary:





Tonight: I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.




On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.



Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep – I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.



My life is a disaster.









His Diary:





Missed a big deer today, but at least I got laid.

ha ha ha