Post your best joke thread

[chpthril]

Reasons to like Beer (by 7 year olds)


A handful of 7 year old children were asked

"What they thought of beer". Some interesting

responses, but the last one is especially touching.



"I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the

prettier my mom gets." --Tim, 7 years old



"Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on

television when he is asleep, so beer is nice. "
--Mellanie, 7 years old



My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it

and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very

funny." --Grady, 7 years old



"'My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they

drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing."

--Toby, 7 years old



"My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants

sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.


"My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One

time he danced right into the pool."

--Lilly, 7 years old

"I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the

sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting."

--Ethan, 7 years old


"My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my

father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to

go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any

sense."

[zany]

Sex Since 1955





-----

A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.



'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?'


'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'


The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'

'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?'


'1955, ma'am.'

'Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.


Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, 'I hope not; it's only 2130 now.'



(Gotta love military time)

[Carter13]

While stiching up a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Texas rancher whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Sarah Palin and her bid to be a heartbeat away from being President.

The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, Palin is a post turtle." Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was. The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."

The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know she didn't get up there by herself, she doesn't belong up there, she doesn't know what to do while she is up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb @ss put her up there to begin with.

[chpthril]

If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're genius.,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,'
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.'
--Mariah Carey

'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,'
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,'
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,'
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .

'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,'
--A congressional candidate in Texas .

'Half this game is ninety percent mental.'
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

'We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?'
--Lee Iacocca

'The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.'
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

'We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.'
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

'Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.'
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

'If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.'
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

And my 2 favorites

'I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix .'
--Dan Quayle

'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'
--Al Gore, Vice President

Feeling smarter yet?

[chpthril]

Job Opening

Job opening in Fort McMurray , Alberta

Position: Surveyor.

Salary: $200 per hour (tax-free).

Qualification: Must be fast on your feet.









Isn't it comforting to know that when you are about to become a bears breakfast your co-worker is standing there taking photos.

[hoopykat]

Not a joke, but a funny photo

GPS for dummies...

-Mike

[chpthril]

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as:
· Romance 9.5 and
· Personal Attention 6.5.

and then installed undesirable programs such as :

· NBA 5.0,
· NFL 3.0 and
· Golf Clubs 4.1.

Also Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

· Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.







DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind,
· Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
· Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
· If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
· Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend
· Cooking 3.0 and
· Hot Lingerie 7.7.


Good Luck!
Tech Support

[chpthril]

A very gentle Southern lady was driving across the Savannah RiverBridge in Georgia one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixing (ready) to jump.

She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, 'Please don't jump, think of your dear mother and father.'
He replied, 'Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump.'

She said, 'Well, think of your wife and children.'

He replied, 'I'm not married and I don't have any kids.'

She said, 'Well, think of Robert E. Lee.'
He replied, ''Who's Robert E. Lee?''

She replied, ''Well bless your heart, just go ahead and jump, you dumb *** Yankee.'


A TRUE SOUTHERN LADY................

[chpthril]

Redneck Fire Alarm

And, when the fire detector goes off, you have something to do while you wait for the fire engines; eat popcorn!

[lightning59]

Hey, I've got that same wallpaper! Sans JiffyPop.

[jleger98]

The Post-Turtle

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year old Texan the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Sarah
Palin and her bid to be a heartbeat away from being President .

The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Palin is a post turtle.'

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was.

The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post
turtle.'

The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain. 'You know she didn't get up there by herself, she doesn't
belong up there, she doesn't know what to do while she is up there, and you just wonder what genius put her up there to begin with.

[LovinPowell]

While stiching up a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Texas rancher whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Sarah Palin and her bid to be a heartbeat away from being President.

The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, Palin is a post turtle." Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was. The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."

The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know she didn't get up there by herself, she doesn't belong up there, she doesn't know what to do while she is up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb @ss put her up there to begin with.

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year old Texan the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Sarah
Palin and her bid to be a heartbeat away from being President .

The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Palin is a post turtle.'

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was.

The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post
turtle.'

The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain. 'You know she didn't get up there by herself, she doesn't
belong up there, she doesn't know what to do while she is up there, and you just wonder what genius put her up there to begin with.

No points for originality. We have now seen this twice with Sarah Palin and once with Obama. Anybody want to post it with Biden and McCain?

[Duncan]

^^^
But then it would not be as funny

[skyski_tige]

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year old Texan the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to John McCain and his bid to be a heartbeat away from being President .

The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, McCain is a post turtle.'

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was.

The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle.'

The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain. 'You know he didn't get up there by herself, he doesn't belong up there, she doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just wonder what genius put him up there to begin with.

[jleger98]

No points for originality. We have now seen this twice with Sarah Palin and once with Obama. Anybody want to post it with Biden and McCain?

Ooooops